A FEW JOKES AND ANECDOTES TO MAKE YOU GIGGLE

Times are changing when:
	You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating any cereal

Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park

. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

You don't mind going bald.(You won't have any more rubbish haircuts!)

Phone Call

Hello Louise I'm sorry I didn't get back to you.You see,I was looking for your phone number and I went into the kitchen where I thought I'd left my reading glasses.Whilst I was there I thought I may as well have a cup of tea..... While the kettle boiled I noticed there was a whiff coming from the wastebin so I took it outside to wash and disinfect it......As you know,it's rained a lot lately and the grass had grown about six inches.It was a nice day so I got the mower out to give it a quick "go",only took about an hour,well counting over the fence chatting with Mrs Pierce........... When I got back indoors I decided to have a cup of tea,Oh good, the kettle was nice and hot! The sugar bowl was empty,took out a new bag of sugar and emptied it all into my teacup!..........-good idea - get out the vac before it becomes sticky, may as well run it all over the bungalow while I'm at it........Back to tea - oh no, now no milk! I popped down to the corner shop to get some and on the way out,got pushed over by a woman with a twin buggy talking on her mobile.Not too bad,only a sprain,should heal nicely in a few weeks. .....I HAD to sit down and Tigger jumped on to my lap,so happy,purring away. I put on the telly and they were interviewing George Clooney --yummm.Suddenly the door bell rang,it was the man coming to read the meter.I jumped out of my skin,my tea went all over Tigger and the remote.He was O.K. after a hastily applied towel,although he then sat down as far away from me as possible with his back turned.-must get some new batteries for the remote.I'll hobble down later...Nearly lunchtime,had to get something to eat,I went into the bedroom "What did I come in here for?........... Oh yes, I was looking for my reading glasses so I could find your number! .................................................................... Wendy Collins

Jim thought it was about time his dizzy wife Mary had a mobile phone.he bought her the latest slimline and whilst at work he decided to give her a call."Oh Jim how clever of you" she giggled " How did you know I was in Tesco's?"

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. George Burns

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Sir Norman Wisdom

................See how much thought one ex -Prime Minister gave to Pensioners----------click here

Little Tommy was engrossed in his game and started biting his fingernails."Don't do that Tom" said his mum,trying to discourage him she said"You'll grow big and fat"........... .....The next day,Tommy and his mum got on the bus to go shopping.They sat down and just then a heavily pregnant woman go on.As she passed,Tommy looked up at her and with a very serious face said "Ooooh - I know what YOU'VE been doing!"

deal

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went un-noticed in February 2003................ Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93........... The most traumatic part of this family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ...........- That's when the trouble started............

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Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt -- doesn't work.

You sink your teeth into a steak -- and they stay there.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

That premium bond you got 50 years ago has never won a prize

You sing along with lift music.

Your dog takes YOU for walkies

You shout out each of your children's names whilst calling in the cat!

A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his snoring. One night he's feeling amorous so he calls out to his wife"I want my little pretty girl now,come here little snuggles". So his wife gets up and makes her way to his room.As she's walking in,she trips and falls flat on her face. "Ooh he says sweetly,"did my darling hurt her sweet little nosey-wosey? - come here and let me kiss it better." She picks herself up and gets into his bed and they make mad passionate love. Afterwards,she gets up to go back to her room.Again she trips and falls flat on her face. He raises his head from the pillow,looks at her and says ............."CLUMSY BITCH"

what's the difference
	What's the difference between single women and married women?......Single women go home,see what's in the fridge and then go to bed......Married women go home,see what's in the bed then go to the fridge!

LOVE MY MOUSE! by Doug Jones

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

This might be an omen,do it now !

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)." The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?" The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD .......... George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house,' and he said 'no.' Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, ' AND I thought you said there was nobody available!'............................................................................................................... (True Story) -- LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!

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